Proper Mall Etiquette

So, everyday for lunch, I walk over to the Subway in Tysons Corner Mall. It gives me a chance to get out of the office, stretch my legs, and get a little exercise in the middle of an otherwise dormant day in my cube. I usually look forward to this daily adventure, but of late, it has been more of an irritating experience.

With the approaching holiday season, I have become painfully aware that people either:

1) Have no understanding of proper mall etiquette.

2) Simply don’t care that they are obnoxious cunt monkeys.

Now, I understand: it’s the holiday season. People are bustling to and fro buying hundreds of dollars in shitty gifts that will be returned at a later date for the cash (or if you are footlocker, store credit – bitches) they should have just given in the first place. But really – is there a need to be such a raging lunatic? Here are some of the things that drive me crazy:

1) Follow the flow of fucking traffic: There is a divide for a reason people, lets use it. This mall is designed to have a continuous, circular flow of travel. It’s a very basic concept: follow the flow of traffic and upon reaching your destination, make your exit. There is no reason to bob in an out of oncoming stroller moms and geriatric grandparents (who are to busy glowing about the $99 dollar value perfume set from CVS for $19.99 they got for their granddaughter to pay attention) coming at you like whoa.

2) Pick up the pace stupid ass: Please, by all means, meander in and out of mall walking traffic at a glacial pace, looking around as if you are a lost little child. If you don’t know where the fuck you are going or what you are looking for step to one of the many conveniently located medians where you can look at a directory – assuming you can read it you dumb cunt.

3) Stop using your children as bulldozers/shields: Ow, OW, OWWWW - step off betch. Stop hitting me with your fucking stroller in my heels, its not going to make me move faster. In fact you are just going to pis me off. You think when I turn around and I see little Jimmy and Sally in your stroller that I am going to be all “oh, its ok don’t worry about it.”

Sorry –not happening.

It concerns me that you would use something as precious as your child to shave 5 seconds off your shopping trip for the shitty gifts that your kids will be sick of in 4 days anyways. Next time you hit my heels, I am going to turn around and kick you in your heels – and you can tell me how it feels. As an aside – please stop talking to your kids all cutesy trying to show them off; I really, really, could give a shit. Maybe if you stopped doing that you wouldn’t be nipping at my heels to save time anyway.

4) If you stop in front of me - I will mow you down, and cut you: It seems to me the group most often guilty of this offense are gaggles of sorositiutes (sorority prostitutes). You can usually avoid running into these over tanned, hair abusive biotches even if they stop. This is due to the brightly colored pink sweatpants they are wearing with the sorority letters brandied across the buttocks. 99.9% of the time there are fuggs (fucking ugly uggs boots), some kind of matching hoodie, and a headband involved as well. The bright colors along with the pointless conversation you are sure to hear and the odious smell of bath and body works lotions as you approach is usually enough to evade even the most abrupt stoppers.

4) If you don’t get to the standing side of the escalator – I will get uncomfortably close to your personal space: People. Please. One side is for standing, one side is for walking. How difficult is that. Granted, if you are fat enough to take up both sides, you should be taking the elevator for my safety and your own in the first place. I don't want one of your cankles to collapse and have you roll over me as I patiently wait for you to get to the top. Those of you who are capable of moving to the side, I suggest you do so. Otherwise I will push up on you and make you feel extremely uncomfortable by invading your personal bubble using a combination of burps, farts, and rambling gibberish.

All in all, if we all pay a little attention to what we are doing, all of these issues can be avoided. For your sake and mine, let’s start today, ok? THANKS