Etiquette continues...

Continuing with the idea of holiday themed etiquette, I feel, especially after my flight home, I must comment on one of the greatest recurring annoyances of the holidays: Airplane travel.

It never fails. Airplane travel is one if the most irritating experiences to deal with during the holiday season. The worst part is that it doesn’t have to be. Here are some of the things that really bother me:

1) If you are too fat to fit in one seat, you should be required to buy two: Plain and simple. Despite my flight being just one hour long, it can be a very long hour when you are sandwiched between two people that clearly, CLEARLY have issues with portion control. I mean, would a little self control and maybe 20 minutes of cardio a day really kill you? And no, walking to McDonalds to get your super sized Big Mac does not count as cardio.

When buying your ticket, along with the required fields of name, address and phone number – weight should be a requirement. Its science. We do not want all the fat people concentrated in one area of the plane; it could throw off the equilibrium, thus endangering the lives of everyone on the flight.

2) Sit the fuck down, you aren’t going anywhere before I am: These people drive me up a fucking wall. You know, the guy sitting behind you - as soon as the seatbelt light goes off he springs into action to try to get that one spot in front of you even though you are in row 21 of a 22 row flight? Chill the fuck out. If you whip me with your coat sleeve one more time, I am going to shove it up your ass. Not only have I put up with you kicking my seat and playing with your fucking tray table all flight, but I was subject to hearing your pointless, inane conversations about a huntin’ and a fishin’

Realistically, you are not going to save any time by jumping that one spot. Please just be patient like everyone else – you aren’t that important.

3) Shut your kid up, seriously: Control. Your. Kids. If you can’t keep them quiet, you need to find some alternative form of transportation. I understand; a little outburst here or there, that is bound to happen – they are kids. What really irritates me is the people who have kids that are shrieking like rabid banshees the entire flight, and the parents sit there, doing nothing about it. These are the people that really shouldn’t be breeding.

4) If I want to talk to you, I will let you know: Now, I am a friendly person. But when I am tired and trying to sleep on a flight, don’t try to engage me in mindless conversation. You see that my eyes are closed. You see that I have my headphones in. I really don’t want hear about your sister’s intestinal problems or your daughter’s promiscuity issues. Sounds like you should be talking to someone a little more qualified than I am about these things. Good luck with that, now shut the fuck up and let me sleep.

Again, if we all would just be a little courteous and aware of our surroundings, experiences like this would be much more enjoyable. THANKS.