Da Gym

So my daily routine, after I finish a hard day at the office in bum fuck Virginia, I head into the city for my daily release: da gym.

I love going to the gym. It is a chance for me to rid myself of the various stresses in my life. No matter how shitty of a day I have, after a solid workout I always feel much better. Along with my BFF Cameron, we rock that shit out, and by the end, we are sore, tired, and dead to the world.

Now there are many different types of people who go to the gym. People such as Cameron and myself, bust it every time we go. One of the things I CAN'T STAND are those who go to the gym "for show."

Granted, we work out at a gym that is populated by about 95% gay men; to me this is annoying. When I go to workout, I go to just do that: WORK OUT. I am not here for social hour or to play a little hide the rainbow roll in the showers. I HATE people who use the gym as a social forum for hookups and to be fucking meat gazers.

How can you tell these people apart? It its really, really quite simple. Here are some tell tale signs (and examples of) that people are not at the gym for the benefits of a cardio workout, as well as a description of the various stalkers Cameron and I have accrued whilst we work out:

1) The first type is more of just a like "are you kidding me with this shit?" than stalker-ish annoyance. What do I mean? Let me explain to you the guy who was on the elliptical machine next to me yesterday, and it should be rather apparent.

So I am going to town on the elliptical machine, when I notice out of the corner of my eye, an obvious mo walking towards the machine next to me. What gave it away? The Starbucks and Apple carrying case slung over his shoulder. He proceeds to put his Starbucks in the WATER BOTTLE holder on the elliptical machine, whips out his Macbook Pro, and sets it up...ON THE FUCKING ELLIPTICAL MACHINE. Are you kidding me?

This is the best part; he then starts "exercising." So I am cruising along at like uphill mountain style resistance at 60-65 RPMs, he starts out at a modestly challenging ZERO resistance, with a full head of steam at about 30 RPMs. Now what kind of benefit are you getting from this? Really? REALLY? You mine as well be eating snacky cakes while you browse amazon.com; dumb ass.

2) Now, at least the first guy is non-threatening. This next genre of gym fag, I really really can't stand: creepy stare guy. Cameron and I have a couple of these each. This is why I am glad that 95% of the time we go to the gym together: everyone there thinks we are a couple, which is great because that deters creepy stare guys from using their misplaced confidence in themselves to approach us.

Anyway, I will speak to just one of the several creepy stare guys we have acquired, the one we have affectionately dubbed: bad hair guy. This guy CREEPS ME THE FUCK OUT. Whenever he is at the gym the same time I am, no matter where in the gym he is, he is ALWAYS staring at me when I happen to catch a glimpse of him. The few odd times we happen to make eye contact (which I try to avoid at all costs) he adds the creepy smile and eyebrow lift to complete the trifecta or uncomfortable facial features. First, he IS NOT attractive. Second, it feels like he is gazing into my soul, undressing me with his eyes, and I do not appreciate that.

3) The last guy is tight shorts homo guy. You will find him in 70's style short shorts and some form of sleeveless top, and he will spend 99% of his time doing squats or hanging out by the leg machines. Why? Do you really have to ask that question? If you don't know, I am going to virtually bitch slap you through the computer. If you want to hookup, please, please do not use my workout area for your sexcapades.

Now, sometimes you get a 2/3 combo, such as another stalker we have collected; fat tropical swimsuit guy. This guy likes to wear an assortment of Hawaiian style swimsuits that are WAY to tight to be any kind of comfortable. He also has the ability to gaze into my soul and make me feel uncomfortable, but instead of the "I want to rape you" feeling I get from bad hair guy, he surely is looking for someone to jump on it. Well, I am not a whore, and I don't do fat charity - no thanks.